The Night Before...Independence Day

I'm writing this on November 26th, 2013. Tomorrow morning I am scheduled to work my first shift as an independent registered nurse...and I'm scared out of my mind!! I have no idea where this anxiety is coming from. I know I can do this. Working as a nurse has been my top priority and goal for the last few years. I've had more than enough training and I've had opportunities to care for patients on my own. However, there's something about knowing that there will be no preceptor at all watching over me or my charting that I feel like I'll be doing acrobatics tomorrow without a safety net! There have been moments this week where I have suffered a panic attack or felt a fear so intense it takes my breath away. The only way I've been able to survive is to focus on what I know I can do as nurse. I've reminded myself repeatedly that I know how to assess a patient. I know how to care for all aspects of a patient's well being. Also, most importantly-I am a smart and competent nurse who cares about her patients and tries to make them healthy and happy in everything she does. Now if only my brain would listen to me and stop playing the "what if" game.

This week I shared my insecurities about being on my own with my boyfriend Arnold* and best friend Darius*. Each one had some very good advice. Arnold reminded me of all the compliments my preceptors have given me about learning so quickly and working in such a way that it shows I'm ready to be on my own. It helps to be reminded that other professionals believe that I can do this job and it's not just me thinking it. Also, Darius asked me what I'm most afraid of. I told him that I'm worried I'll get a patient with something that I've never had before and then I might make a mistake that could end in that person's death. Darius told me that no matter what floor I rotate to there will always be someone to help me if I remember to ask for it. He told me not to go at anything alone. There is no shame in asking for help-so do it. Lastly, Darius reminded me that I a very safe nurse. He said that I am not going to kill anyone. He said that when people die its because it's their time to do and I have to be prepared for this to happen regardless of the care the patient receives. Talking to both of them really helped my nerves.

This evening I found out that my grandpa is in the hospital. It turns out he's been fighting a cold or the flu and his blood pressure was high. He was rushed to the hospital via ambulance and after tests were run it was determined that he has a bladder infection. He is in stable condition and will spend the night in the hospital to start on antibiotics. I was worried when I found out he was in the hospital. I felt better when I learned that he was stable and that it was only an infection. This event made me hope that the nurse who cares for him treats him well. I want him to have a nurse that takes the time to explain the medications he receives or talks to him in his primary language (Spanish) and is able to make him feel comfortable so that he can rest. It made me realize that this is the kind of nurse that I am and the kind of nurse I still want to be forty years from now. Tomorrow when I show up for work I will treat every patient like they are my family member and give them the best possible care I know how to give. 

Now if only I could find a way to fall asleep. My body is still confused from the night shift. Zzzzzzz.....